Welcome to my 3rd Annual “Happy Whateverthefuck”
post. FOX “News” and other right-wing mouthpieces like to, for some reason that
I can’t wholly figure out, pretend that the religion celebrated by over 80% of
Americans is under attack and desperately needs help. Because 12 aisles in
Target devoted to Christmas between Halloween and New Year’s as well as the
entire store decorated in Santas and reindeer is no match for the single endcap
that’s shared by Kwanzaa and Chanukah.
What about the 30-or-so other winter festivals also
celebrated this time of year? Most of them are older than Christmas. Can you
name even one?
I guess if agitating your base gets your ratings up and
increases your multi-million dollar $alary, any bullshit is fair game.
Ho Ho Ho…
 |
| Jon Stewart |
And so it begins. This “YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS CARD” bullshit
showed up on Facebook on November 2nd. Yes, that’s TWO DAYS after
Halloween. It’s in the style of “A Visit From St. Nicholas.” I will address
each line of bullshit as it comes.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS CARD
Cleverly done!!!
[If you think complete bullshit
is clever, I can’t argue against your point.]
Twas two months before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
[Not a Christian was praying? If
they don’t want to, no one’s gonna force them to.]
Nor taking a stand.
[Christians never take a stand?
This bullshit poem and the rest of the “War on Christmas” charade being shoved
up America’s ass for one month every year seems to be proof-a-plenty about
Christians taking a stand. Problem is, they’re taking a stand against something
that is literally pointless. But Bill O’Reilly does get his ratings up.]
Why the PC Police had taken away
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
[Where is an instance of this
ever happening? Are you suggesting that no Christians haul their materialistic
asses out on Black Friday and murder the shit out of people to buy a 20”
flatscreen TV (which will be even cheaper at one of the dozen sales that happen
all year long)? They only sit home alone and give thanks for the birth of
Christ (who is not at all the reason for the season, but I’ll get to that
later)?]
The children were told by their schools not to sing
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
[No, they weren’t. In fact, Texas
just passed a law that protects Christmas in schools – from an attack that
wasn’t happening – because small government Conservatives who totally understand the Constitution. Also, THIS
bullshit lie is refuted by the fact that the ACLU never sued them. Turns out
the school’s band director just claimed the ACLU sued them to stop the students
from singing Christmas carols, then went on every FOX “News” program that would
have him and continually lied about it. When the ACLU said they never heard of
this lawsuit, the band director said they didn’t actually sue the school – the
band director decided to ban them all on his own because he heard some speech
someone at the ACLU said almost two years prior and never had anything to do
with the school. For some reason, I can only find the right-wing version of
this story online. Of course, now that the bullshit was exposed and the school
is again allowed by their band director to sing the Christmas carols that he alone
banned, some right-wing group, called ‘America Freedom Liberty America
Constitution Freedom Guns’ or something close to that, is taking credit for
setting the school straight on their Constitutional freedom to sing Christmas
carols at school. Which were never under any threat in the first place. For
fuck’s sake.]
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.
[The fact that Christmas can’t be
the only holiday celebrated in December since there are at least 30 others,
shouldn’t be mistaken for oppression. Sharing is caring. Fartknockers.]
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
[As were Christians. Let’s not
pretend otherwise, holy rollers.]
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-Pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
[Yeah, Madonna is out of vogue
these days. She hasn’t released an album in a while.]
[See what I did there? Vogue. Get
it? Vogue? C’mon, vogue! Oh, never mind.]
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
[What about Chanukah? You forgot
to also pretend retailers promote Chanukah, too.]
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
[What books? If you’re going to
invent shit, at least have it based in some sort of reality. Even the band
director banned singing Christmas carols before he claimed Christmas carols
were banned.]
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
[What~?]
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
[Ah. ‘Down’ and ‘found’ rhyme.
Both Target and Lowes had Christmas shit up since the day after Halloween, but
at least you rhymed.]
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
[Again, the rhyming is more
important than the fact that ALL these stores had Christmas shit up since the
day after Halloween. Cognitive whatsonance?]
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
[Once again, Christmas is not the
only holiday in December. It’s not that other people are forcing their festivals
on Christians, it’s that Christians, try as they might, are unable to deny
other festivals from occurring. The only acts of oppression regarding this
holiday season are coming from Christians. Why would a Jew celebrating Chanukah
or a black person celebrating Kwanzaa or a Roman celebrating Saturnalia be seen
as “intimidation?”]
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
[Ooh! You named liberal
politicians and newspeople! None of which work for FOX “News!” Squeee! This IS
clever!]
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
[Name one policy, please. Just
one. That’s all I ask.]
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
[Yes. They took away your faith.
Because that’s something that can be done. HEY! YOU, OVER THERE! I SEE YOU
STILL HAVE YOUR FAITH. HAND IT OVER OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.]
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
[I always think of the movie
“Forbidden Planet” when I see the word ‘forbidden.’ Can't help it.]
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
[This is getting too ridiculous
to even comment on anymore. Yes. Does anyone remember what Christmas was all
about? It’s been so long since the Liberal agenda stopped it from being
celebrated. It had a good three or four year run, though, a few centuries ago.]
So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
[All those left-wing terms. In
one place! ‘Guns’ Hunting’ ‘Corporate tax cuts’ Whew! I feel better now.]
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS,
not Happy Holiday!
[Fucking Bing Crosby! May YOUR
every wish come true! Communist!]
Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[THAT’LL teach those damn
Christmas-destroying motherfuckers. Die, Liberal PC sonsa bitches! We’ll get
the Christmas spirit back if we have to murder every one of you piece of shit
heathens! DIE! DIE! DIE! And MERRY CHRISTMAS!]
*
[These are the replies to that
post. Before my running commentary, of course.]
Elizabeth
Amen
Frank
With all respect to my old and valued friend, this, again,
is just a ring-winger truism they keep repeating in hopes of raising outrage
they can manipulate to political ends. They're the same people who talk about a
so-called "war on Christmas" when even in heathen New York City there
are churches every other block, blessings of animals, and enough Christmas
decorations on Sixth Avenue for a dozen TV Christmas specials and Christmas
TV-movies. No one, I mean no one, is going to correct you in your home, your
neighborhood, your community if you wish them a Merry Christmas unless you're
going out of your way to deliberately rub a Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Shinto,
pagan or atheist's nose in it -- and that's not a matter of
"Christmas" but a matter of common sense and civility.
The Brain Frees
Well said, Frank. I would like to add that this poem is the
diametric opposite of reality. Stores display 99% Christmas stuff and only 2 of
the other 30+ festivals also celebrated between October and January all get
crammed onto one endcap - Chanukah and Kwanzaa.
And let's not forget that Christmas is the ONLY government-sanctioned
religious holiday. The only reason Easter isn't is because it falls on a
Sunday.
When I say, "Happy holidays," I'm not trying to
stick it to Christians, I'm respecting everyone.
Religious freedom doesn't mean Christians get to force their
beliefs upon everyone. And just because not everyone believes Christianity,
that doesn't mean Christians are being oppressed or persecuted.
And seriously, the religious majority (by far) pretending to
be persecuted is quite humorous.
***** *****
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If you say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,”
you are a godless liberal elitist waging a war on poor little old fragile
Christian Christmas. Right, FOX “News”?
Right, FOX “News”?
RIGHT, FOX “News”?
RIGHT, FOX “NEWS”?
You're calling your viewers 'stupid' right to their faces. Aren't you, FOX "News"?
***** *****
Jesus is not and never was the reason for the season. About
300 years after the alleged Jesus (who was probably not a single person, but an
amalgam of several) walked the Earth, a whole bunch of pagan festivals and
rituals were stolen and claimed as Christian in order to make it easier to
convince people to convert to Christianity. If the calendar is based on Jesus’
birth, then why does his birthday fall 11 months and 25 days later? According
to the Bible, the J-Man was born sometime in the Spring/early Summer. Even the
story of the virgin birth of Christ appears in several dozen religions that
preceded Christianity by hundreds and thousands of years. As well as half the
other stories in the Bible.
So, fucking relax, Christians. When someone wishes you
happiness at this time of year by saying “happy holidays” and you respond with,
“FUCK YOU DIE IT’S MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!”
– it’s you who are the asshole
completely missing the point of the (stolen) religion you allegedly follow.
Take solace in the fact that Christmas is the only government-sanctioned religious holiday – which is
unconstitutional. The only reason Easter isn’t is because it always falls on a
Sunday, and you can’t have a paid holiday on a day that the unions fought for
to be a day of rest.
***** *****
One from the “See? It’s not just me.” category:
*
*
*
The Young Turks: War on Christmas Update From Bill O'Reilly on Fox News
*
GRITtv: John Fugelsang: Happy Holidays to War on Christmas
*
***** *****
From the “What the fuck nutty nut-job whacko
dementia-sufferer??” category:
***** *****
Jon Stewart Demolishes Megyn Kelly and Fox Freaking Out Over
Santa's Race and the War on Christmas
***** *****
Jimmy Kimmel: Fox News Presents: It's a Wonderful Life
***** *****
From the “Useless Asshole ‘Small Government’
Right-Wingers Once Again Pretending To Be Fiscally Responsible and Pretending
to Hate Government Regulation While Wasting Taxpayer Money Passing Laws For
Literally No Fucking Reason Because They are Fucking Stupid, Petty and Did I
Mention Stupid?” files:
Health care? Education? Jobs? Homeless? Minimum wage? Civil
rights? Environment? Corruption? Infrastructure? Gun safety? Corporate tax
loop-holes? Death penalty? Social security? Banks?
No.
Merry Christmas.
Whew. All (not-a-problem) problems solved.
Please just secede already, Texas.
***** *****
From the “Unctuous, Self-Centered, Hypocritical,
Paste-Eaters” files:
***** *****
And now, some calm, reasonable logic from
astrophysicist-at-large, NDT:
So, Happy Holidays, you under-informed fuckheads. (Hey, I never claimed to be calm.)
***** *****
From someone else’s page. See, it’s not just me.
***** *****
“Bill O’Reilly has this fantasy that Christians are being persecuted,” Muscato said, when in fact, “Bill O’Reilly is the epitome of a privileged person; a straight, white, cisgender American. The reason that he’s obsessed with this ‘War on Christmas’ is because he knows there’s nothing he’s really being oppressed by.”
***** *****
Ho. Ho. Ho.
or
Ha. Ha Ha.
David Pakman: Sarah Palin 'War on Christmas' Book Flops
***** *****
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Never Forget.
***** *****
Now, if only Occupy Wall Street would quit complaining and
actually elect leaders to office like the Teabaggers do instead of standing
around snapping their fingers in leaderless disagreement or whatever. Ideas
need leaders to implement them. (Tangent)
Not just atheists – the uncountable amount of other religions, as well.
All I’m saying is, quit fucking looking for problems that
don’t goddamn exist and enjoy the motherfucking festivities, assholes.
Happy Whateverthefuck!
Fuck all you petty and insecure “War on Christmas” fuckers.
No one is stopping you from celebrating Christmas. No one has ever said you can’t celebrate Christmas. Ever. Millions
of non-Christians even celebrate Christmas. Christ is not the reason for the
season. Happiness, health, family and friendship are the reasons for the
season. And presents. Glorious consumerism.
I’ve written about the “War on Christmas” for four years
now, and have never been quite able to express my true sentiments about what I
think this time of year is sincerely about and the feelings it inspires. I’ve
realized it’s because it cannot be expressed in words. It takes the kinetic
energy of the animal kingdom to truly express this emotion.
♥♥ Happiest Penguin Ever ♥♥
Happy Holidays, everyone!
Christmas Caroling w/ Amy Poehler & Billy Eichner in NYC - Billy on the Street
***
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