Monday, December 19, 2011

Happy Whateverthefuck!

Oh, for the life of Brian. Stop fucking pretending there's a war on Christmas. There is none. No matter what FOX “News” falsely promulgates every single fucking year. Take a walk up your block. Count the amount of homes with Christmas decorations compared to ALL the other celebratory ideologies put together. Christmas: one bazillion. All others lumped together: one. Chances are, there’s a Jewish family on the block somewhere.

Yes, your kid in Kindergarten may be forced to sing a Chanukah song or two. Yeah, that must certainly mean the end of all things Christmas. But is that ever reinforced out of school? Anywhere? Ever? Will your kid remember any bit of it after school? No. What do you celebrate at home? Christmas. What are all the TV specials about? Christmas. What songs have been playing in all the stores since two weeks before Halloween? Christmas. For what merchandise did all the stores clear out a huge section of their normal stuff to sell? Christmas. 

And one menorah-shaped glass ornament. 

For the Christmas tree. 

I know Christians need something to complain about - one of the billion things they have in common with their Jewish and Islamic equals - but fucking enough already. People say "Happy Holidays" NOT because they're waging an all-out assault on your fragile Christ's birthday (…which is not really his birthday, by the by. It’s off by about eight months.), but because they have the common fucking sense NOT to presume EVERYONE is Christian and that Christians have some sort of monopoly on year-end well-wishing. Christians militantly demand to exclude everybody else’s religious beliefs, yet cry like an itty-bitty baby if it’s done to them. Catch the fuck on and grow the fuck up, hypocrites. You are not the be-all, end-all of cults in the world celebrating some holiday that you stole from another, older cult. God damn it.

There are over thirty non-Christian winter celebrations held between November and January. By light years, Christmas is the most popular here in America. And much of the rest of the world. Many beliefs that come from a handful of other yearly religious celebrations were stolen by Christians between 1200 and 1700 years ago during the new-religion-inventing process. Like Christmas day. Seriously, the guy whose birthday the western calendar is based on was born on the 359th day of the year? At least, that’s what Pope Julius I decided somewhere around the year CE 345. All the easier to convert the people who already celebrate Saturnalia – a holiday in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture. 

Hm. But I digress. 

If someone wishes you a 'Happy Holidays,' and you find this brotherly good will to be offensive, then you may go fuck your pathetic, pouty bottom-lipped, immature, sad self-righteous self. That is, if you're able to pull the nails out and climb down off your own self erected cross (Since you couldn’t nail in that last nail, it shouldn’t be too difficult to pull the rest out. As long as you didn’t drop your hammer.).  

Irving Berlin wrote “Happy Holiday” for Bing Crosby in 1942 for the movie “Holiday Inn.” It happens to be a very popular song this time of year. When exactly did this ‘Happy Holidays’ war on Christmas begin? While the merry bells keep ringing, may your ev’ry wish come true. Except your wish for the fake war on Christmas to end. How else could Christians keep pretending to be persecuted? 

I REALLY hope I didn't just annoy anyone. Because the constant bitching about this invented fake Christian persecution issue isn't annoying to me either. 

You’re the people who like to pretend Columbus Day pisses you off, too, aren’t you? 

To be sure, the only people who have taken Christ out of Christmas are the ones who went to the store and bought a present for someone else. Because what Christ advocated had nothing to do with commercialism. Nothing to do with capitalism. And he certainly wasn’t materialistic. Go donate to a homeless or battered women’s shelter or orphanage. Pretty sure that’s more like what Jesus would have wanted for his birthday. Not an $80,000 Lexus with a giant red bow. 

Yes, I have bought presents. I’m just not pretentiously standing on a soapbox preaching bullshit. I know Christmas has nothing to do with Christ or his actual birth in the month of April. I know it’s a 1,600 year-old commerce-based holiday. I don’t use it as an excuse to invent fake problems where there are none as preachy, miserable people do just to garner attention and false sympathy. I just simply fucking wish everybody was happy and healthy. It’s not that difficult. Give it a try. Joy to the world and all. The whole world. Not just one specific group of God-botherers. 

Put that in your fruitcake and eat it. 

True story: While in line at the store, the cashier wished the lady in front of me a “Happy Holidays.” The lady said, obviously peeved, “No. Merry Christmas.” Caught off guard by the senseless display of anger, especially after the pleasant small-talk that just previously occurred between them, the cashier stumbled this response, “Well, I just, you don’t know if someone’s Jewish, er –” Then the lady, coldly, “That doesn’t matter.” A perfect example of a Christian not caring about anyone but their own self. And not very Christian at all. And if that lady believes in heaven and hell, it’s actions like that that she will be judged upon. Not whether she goes to church every Sunday and throws into the collection plate or goes into a closet with a priest and reveals all her dirty secrets. And I think the cashier who wished her happiness in any form will do ok. 

And for the record, oh pre-judgmental ones, I celebrate Christmas. If you wished me a happy Kwanzaa or Chanukah or Pancha Ganapati or Eid ul-Adha or Yalda, it would not inspire fury in me. I would not consider it a direct attack on my personage because I’m a mindless, weak-willed soldier of conformity and don’t know how to respond to anything out of the norm until I get my marching orders from FOX “News.” I would simply return the good will that you pointed in my direction. For as the great poet Anthony Kiedis once said, “Take care of me ‘cause I might be you.” 

And that other great poet, Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?" 

May you all have a safe, happy and healthy Christmas season!

Or, to put it in another way...

You know what’s awesome? The day after I wrote most of this, Jon Stewart did this:

The Daily Show: Tree Fighting Ceremony

The Daily Show: Tree Fighting Ceremony - War on Christmas

Thank you, The Daily Show. Thank you very much. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Oh, and hey… all you good Christian Republicans on FOX “News” who are incessantly fuelling this bullshit fake war that only exists in your fear and hate-mongered minds, what is your opinion about the invitation to this year’s Republican “War on Christmas”…?


Bonus Feature:

I posted this last year. Enjoy…

Happy Holidays, everyone!

If you take offense to my wishing a generic “Happy Holiday” because you believe I’m declaring a war on your particular religion, then A.) you are an ignorant jackass and B.) I just said “Happy Holidays” because I don’t presume to know your particular religion or whether or not you even believe in a religion at all but I respect that you do or do not and it would take too long to go through wishing every specific religion a merry happy whatever and I’m sure there are a few I don’t even know about (because new religions spring up all the time like weeds - ‘God’ is apparently talking directly to new people every day - “The old way I told you how to worship me and collect a tidy profit in the process is so totally like, yesterday, man. This is how you should do it now…”) and I do not wish to offend anyone (that is, when I’m not deliberately trying to) and C.) isn’t the basic idea behind all religious holiday festivities (and non-religious holiday festivities) to wish peace, happiness, prosperity and good health toward all - so what is your Goddamn problem with any of them and D.) if you were wondering what I believe, I am a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and E.) besides, I will celebrate any brand of merriment that involves receiving gifts. I mean giving gifts. Yes. That’s it. That’s what I meant. Giving.

Please don’t make me write another one of these next year.

Good day.

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