Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Ralph Is Not A Vengeful GoD

This blog about Tim Tebow was originally in the neighborhood of 300 words. But the longer I sat on it, the larger it grew. I’m posting it now before a continuing incubation period creates an uncontrollable monster impervious to pain and empathy. It’s already almost five times larger than planned.


Ok. So this has been making the rounds:

It is very often accompanied by high praise of Tebow for being strong and standing up for his beliefs.

Here’s why this is an unmitigated crock of shit.

First, the analogy is ridiculous. Nobody is ever constantly heaping praise of their wife into the faces of their friends over and over and over and over at every single fucking opportunity – let alone shout it out on national TV. EVER. That would be fucking annoying and their friends would tell him to shut the fuck up about it already. They would tell him to go fucking tell his wife how important she is to him and to get the fuck out of their faces about it.

Second, and this is relevant to ALL the things Christians do – Christianity is not the only religion. As they so hypocritically and wholeheartedly believe.

For example, the most egregious instance - Christians believe government is NOT allowed to influence religion, but also believe religion IS allowed to influence government. What Christians never take into account is that there are OTHER religions. Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Fartinajarism, Scientology, etc, etc, etc, would also be EQUALLY allowed to influence government – causing a whole bunch of stupid religious wars within America. The type of wars that Americans got away from all those years ago and created a law separating church and state to prevent from happening here. And also barred a national religion from being selected – you know, for that whole ‘freedom’ thing.

Because what I’m sure America really needs is a bunch of extra wars from within about how we're supposed to worship a magical mystery sky fairy (or just how many there are, or whether it's a he or she or it or whether it's black or white or Asian, Inuit or South Pacific Islander or if it should be called God, Allah, Zeus, Quetzalcoatl, Dionysis, bla-de-fucking-bla) as well as all the other wars from without about how we're supposed to worship oil.

Yet Christians believe only Christianity should be free to do what it wants in government. I guess Christians want their churches to be taxed now, ay? Since they won’t be separate from taxable government operations anymore.


And third, Tim Tebow is an average everyday rookie quarterback doing a fair job. No one would ever fucking hear of this guy except that he keeps foisting heaps of Jesus shit on everyone every time he opens his mouth or Tweets. Quick, name the other rookie QB doing just as well at him. Cam Newton. Hell, name all the other QB’s doing a fuck-ton better at quarterbacking than Tebow. Do it! Do it now!

I’m happy Tim found something that gets him up in the morning and makes life worth living – for him. Whatever gets your motor running is ok by me – whether it’s religion, fixing up vintage cars, building matchstick schooners in glass bottles, or masturbating every hour on the hour – as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. But that doesn’t mean I want you to push your drug in my face at every fucking goddamn annoying opportunity.

“Comicbooks. I love comicbooks. Thank you comicbooks. You’re awesome, comicbooks. Comicbooks. I love that comicbooks afford me the opportunity to live in any world possible. The power of comicbooks are infinite. Comicbooks are good. Comicbooks are great. Glory to comicbooks in the highest. Comicbooks leave me without want. If you give a man a comicbook, he will read it, but if you teach him how to go to the store and buy his own, he will read as many as he can buy. When there was only one set of footprints, that’s because I walked out to my beach chair and sat under the umbrella to read my comicbook and hadn’t returned yet. It is not good enough to just say that I love comicbooks only when I buy them. I want to say it every single day when I wake up and at every opportunity. My relationship with comicbooks is the most important thing in my life. So, any time I get an opportunity to tell people I love comicbooks or given the opportunity to shout comicbooks out on national TV, I’m gonna take that opportunity. And so I look at it as a relationship that I have with comicbooks that I want to give comicbooks the honor and glory any time I have the opportunity.”

This is not how I actually feel about comicbooks, mind you. I was using them as a stand-in for Tebow’s rationale regarding his constant bludgeoning everyone with Jesus. But wouldn’t you tell me to shut the fuck up? That I sound like a simple-minded, brainwashed moron? You wouldn’t want to go anywhere with me if this was all I talked about like a mentally challenged broken record. I could give another example with vintage car restoration or masturbation as the stand-in if that helps make my point. No? You do understand? I’m not so sure you do.

What if Tebow was Muslim? Would there be just as much praise for his strength in standing up for his beliefs while he shoves it in everyone’s face at every fucking opportunity on national American television? Or would Lowe’s pull all its commercials during football games after bowing to all the bigoted, hate-spreading Christian fundamentalist protests?

How does this make you feel:

It’s not a Christian Bible passage like he usually wears under his eyes, but I still hope you’re happy he’s being strong for standing up for his beliefs.

Even though they’re not yours. 

Otherwise, you’re a fucking small-minded ignorant bigoted religious fundamentalist hypocrite.

And how does this make you feel:

You still proud of Tebow standing up to criticism of his beliefs? Or do you hate anyone different than you? You know what that would make you?

On a side note, I really wish people would stop thinking Jesus gives a shit about sports outcomes and singing & acting award ceremonies.

And especially child pageants – it’s Satan who enjoys watching those with a hot cup of chamomile. He loves picking out which parents’ souls he’ll get first.

Anyway, believing Jesus picked you to be the best at anything is fucking self-righteous and arrogant. The very opposite of his humble teachings. But what do you expect from people who follow what 2,000-year-old fearful governments said about how to follow Jesus, instead of what Jesus actually preached. Yes, I just bashed organized religion – which was originally about government’s power and control over the masses – and still is – but had quickly evolved into a major money-making business. Powerful. Jesus doesn’t want you to go into a closet and tell some other dude all your dirty little secrets. A 2,000-year-old government that wanted to be able to extort you did. The big J-dizzle can hear you wherever you are. That is, if you believe dead people can still hear – not judging, just saying. I leave all the judging up to the religious.

But seriously, your religion teaches you that a guy was executed 2,000 years ago just so you could win a sing-song award? Or a prettiest girl award? Or the best play-acting award? Or a game of catch? Well, alright. THAT makes sense. Perfect sense. What better reason would there be to sacrifice a life? 

And on another side note, “Tebowing” sounds like a dirty sex act. I’m not saying that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I’m just saying that’s what it sounds like it means.

A rusty Tebow?

And on yet another side note, for all Tebow’s endless worshipping of Jesus, the Broncos still lost on Christmas Eve. Lost on the eve of the day Jesus’ birthday is incorrectly celebrated. What does that say about what Jesus thinks of Tim Tebow and the Broncos? I think it was a message. I think Jesus was saying, “Christ, Tim. Ease up on the worshipping, will ya? It’s making me uncomfortable. I never really wanted anyone to worship me as it is. Kinda defeats the whole point I was making, doesn’t it? But when a bunch of tyrants get together 300 years after you’re dead and decide how to rewrite your history, including your birthday, there’s nothing you can really do about it, is there? So, if you’re going to go in for that whole worship thing, at least take it down a notch. Or ten. It’s getting a bit obnoxious. Go hang out with your friends and see if you can not talk about me for once.”

Well, that’s what I think was meant by the Broncos loss. It’s pretty obvious though, right?

Saturday Night Live: Jesus visits Tebow

What's Happening!! 5-minute Minisode: "Rerun Sees the Light" 1978
Rerun joins the Babarambaba Cult - worshippers of Mother Nature, personified in a head of lettuce named Ralph.

And here's some 1970's reference for Mabel King's cheezy "feel Mother Nature" homage line for those of you without long memories. But I suspect most of you do remember.

Good day. 

Bonus Feature: 
Because Fred Berry dancing is awesome.

Has anyone seen my car keys?

Jesus, if you help me find my car keys, I swear I’ll go to church and be a better person.

Oh, there they are! Thanks, Jesus! I knew I could count on you to look for my car keys.

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