Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Happy Whateverthefuck 2012 Edition

**  Attention!  **
**   I'm interrupting my   **
**   "War on the War on Gun Control"   **
**   series to bring you my   **
**   "War on the Fake War on Christmas"  **
**  post.   **

Here’s the 2012 addition to my commentary, ‘Stop Fucking Pretending there’s a Fucking War on Fucking Christmas, Fuckheads.’ It’s the third year, so I guess this is going to be an annual thing.

This narrative has apparently been zipping and morphing itself around the emails and social media sites for the past several years, but this is the first time its light has reflected into my eyeballs. And has done so several times over the past couple weeks. I’ve posted it in its entirety, then added my simple thoughts afterward.



Why do internet Conservatives keep using Ben Stein as their pitch man – but always embellish or edit what he actually says? If they even use anything he said at all.

Here’s the email:

“Apparently the White House referred to Christmas Trees as “Holiday Trees” for the first time this year which prompted CBS presenter, Ben Stein, to present this
piece which I would like to share with you. I think it applies just as much to many countries as it does to America . . .

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejewelled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, “Merry Christmas” to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a crib, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her: “How could God let something like this happen?” (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said: “I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?”

In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbour as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it.... no one will know you did. But if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein”

***  *  ***

OK. Here we go.

The mostly Ben Stein part came from a commentary he did on CBS Sunday Morning on December 18, 2005 titled, “Confessions for the Holidays.” It’s edited from the original, which contains references to Nick and Jessica, as well as People magazine and Lindsay Lohan and more.

The opening of this farce about the White House calling Christmas trees ‘holiday trees’ was added in 2011. It is a lie that the White House no longer calls them Christmas trees. They do.

The Billy Graham’s daughter, Anne Graham Lotz section about “How could God let something like this happen?” (regarding Hurricane Katrina), which Ben Stein had nothing to do with, was added in 2006 and had nothing to do with Katrina. It was originally from what she said in 2001 in reaction to the September 11th attacks.

Also, Dr. Spock's kid did not commit suicide. That would also be a lie. Told for the sole purpose of delegitimizing Dr. Spock’s teachings. People have to lie about things when they, themselves have no legitimate argument. Standard Republican tactic.

And on what is opined by Mr. Stein:

Religion is to be kept separate from the government, which is clearly pointed out in the Constitution, no matter how much Christians insist it is not. It is not 'telling God to get out of our schools," it's actually Christians 'trying to force God into our schools.' Or do you wish the teachings of Allah, Vishnu, Horus, Buddah, Scientology, etc to also be taught in school on equal terms with Christianity? No, just Jesus? Well, that's why we added that first Constitutional amendment - to protect everyone's right to practice whatever religion they want and not bow down to a tyrant's particular religion being forced unwillingly upon them.

“I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.”

Oh, playing the victim card. First of all, it’s the religious people who have been pushing around each other and non-religious people for millennia. I don’t seem to recall atheists ever going on any crusades or having ant inquisitions. Mr. Stein (as well as the bible-thumpers on the right) is mistaking religious people (Christians almost exclusively) not being able to do whatever they want whenever they want wherever they want with having to respect the different religious and non-religious wishes of everybody else. Why is it that when a manger scene is put up, that’s perfectly OK, but if someone doesn’t worship that particular brand of cultism, that’s Christian beliefs being persecuted? Isn’t the other person being persecuted by not being able to display their cult’s iconography? Christians are shoving Christianity down everyone’s throats. Atheists are shoving acceptance of everyone’s beliefs down everyone’s throats.

The idea that “America is an explicitly atheist country” came from Christians pretending people said that just to pretend that their 2,000-year reign in Western civilization is somehow the underdog when somebody doesn’t want to blindly follow their cult – or accept being forced to follow it. Nobody says America is an atheist country.

You can’t find atheism in the Constitution because it’s not there. You are mistaking the freedom to practice any religion (or no religion) with the inability to force Christianity upon everyone. You, Ben Stein, as a Jew, seem to be taking the side of the people who also want to oppress your beliefs as well. But you are a Conservative, so I guess you must pretend Republicans like you in order to fit in. Just like the Log Cabin Republicans must.
“…where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God?”

Ben Stein actually said, “Where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and aren’t allowed to worship God as we understand Him?” I guess it was updated to “celebrities” because in the seven years since he made the statement, Nick and Jessica are no longer as “pop” in our pop culture as they were in 2005. Either way, the sentiment is the same, so I will address its absurdity. 1.) No one is forcing people to worship celebrities. People like to follow celebrities. False equivalencies is a favorite obfuscation technique of those without any facts to support their lies. 2.) There is no designated holiday (not counting award shows) for celebrities that people complain about not being allowed to teach in school or influence our governmental policies. 3.) No one is saying anyone is not allowed to worship God. You are playing a victim card. And it’s pathetic. Christians are bitching because they aren’t allowed to force their beliefs on everyone. Like pretending that providing contraceptives somehow prevents you from practicing your religion. Christianity is the biggest religion in the Western hemisphere. Fuck off.

Now, about Ann Graham Lotz’s section:

It’s referring to the September 11th attacks, but since all religious fear-mongering is boiler-plate bullshit, see how easily it can be applied to ‘calling Christmas trees holiday trees?’ Or maybe I’m just not seeing how 3,000 Americans murdered in a terrorist attack is the same as a ‘holiday tree.’ Bonus: It can also be applied to gays, black people on welfare, Jews (sorry, Ben), atheists, Jehovah’s Witnesses, single mothers, interracial marriage, Protestants, black people as presidents – anything you wish to be smited! Condemnation fun for the whole family! Except Mormons. Billy Graham says they’re no longer considered smitable.

Anyway, Ann Graham Lotz says that since there’s no prayer in school and since we shouldn’t beat our children, that’s why people murder (or, in this case, call Christmas trees holiday trees) and why God is subsequently forced to punish us. And that totally, completely, absolutely, unequivocally makes sense. To maybe a three-year-old.

“Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.”

I have a problem with that stupid statement. It suggests that belief in and fear of a sky fairy’s vengeful punishment is what gives people morals. It claims that atheism is the reason for amorality and invariably leads to murder. That’s the opposite of the way I see things. First, people are good or bad because they are good or bad, not because they are religious or not. Second, when atheists are good, it’s because it’s the right thing to do. That stupid statement suggests that atheists can’t be taught not to kill unless they fear some sort of magical retribution. That is just dumb. On the contrary, Christians are taught that they can lead a life of conscienceless murder and mayhem. All they have to do is apologize or some shit on their deathbed and they are magically forgiven. Then, they can live on a cloud with all their dead pets and have free wi-fi for eternity. That’s right, murder away. Just don’t forget to apologize to the J-man before you go.

“Thou liketh me? Thou really liketh me? Well, then… OK. Thou art forgiven for murdering that abortion doctor and the three patients at the clinic with a bomb. C’mon up! Mr. Pickles is anxious to see you again.”

Then, the laughable guilt trippy bit at the end after, “Are you laughing yet?” was made up by the sad, mouth-breathing paste-eater who put all these different edited pieces of hogwash together. The only people complaining about “what bad shape the world is in” regarding religion are these asshats that think everyone is attacking Christianity.

Yes, I fuckin’ said hogwash.

Well, I’m sold.

Not really. That’s a twisted load of shit based on fairy tales by people who want to scare and guilt you into doing what they want you to do. In other words: Religion. The fear of a vengeful god just doesn’t have the sway it used to. Two thousand years ago.

In Science I Trust.

And happy holidays, everybody! (No offense.)

I’m an atheist/Pastafarian and I celebrate Christmas.

Did I just blow your fucking mind?

And as far as I know, they have been saying “there’s a war on Christmas” since the 1950’s. How’s that working out? Christmas almost excised yet?

Here’s a list of all federally sanctioned United States holidays (2012). How many of them are from a religion? Which religion?*

*Subtle hint: Only one fucking holiday. It’s fucking Christmas. And it’s fucking Christian.

Hypocrisy. Ain't it grand?

Because Hindus are racing to buy Christmas trees. And so-called capitalists just hate taking other people’s money. And hate when other people spread their message.

Who’s really “waging a war” on ‘not-Christians?’

I never see this sign anywhere:

Or this one:

Happy Whateverthefuck to all,
and to all a good day!

For everyone only!


And seriously, assholes. Don’t make me do this again next year.

***  *  ***

I didn’t go after this year’s FOX “News” fake outrage war on Christmas atheist conspiracy bullshit-o-rama smorgasbord extravaganza du jour, but I didn’t have to. My Jewish buddy, Jon has my back.

No comments:

Post a Comment