Sunday, February 28, 2016

Trump: The Speech

I saw this video and wanted to interpret what he meant. The words kept coming and it turned into a speech. Some sentences I made up. Others are direct quotes. Others are a blend of quotes and fabricated. Can you discern? Can you? I can’t. And I wrote it. It’s the best. The finest quality speech. Trump speech. Classy.


Hello, America! My fellow Americans! I knew you would be here for me. You are beautiful. You are the best. The best. I only surround myself with the best. And that’s you. Who’s having fun? I’m having fun. I can believe it. So much fun. I’m the most popular candidate. Just look at the polls. Look at them. They came out. Just came out. I’m number one! Number one! I beat Hillary! I beat Rubio. I’m winning. That’s why you’re here. You know a winner when you see him. Me. Am I crazy? No, you are here for me. Not Cruz. Who’s Cruz? I don’t know. Baby. A baby.

You know, let me tell you a story about someone who was killed, k…

(The crowd gets rambunctious, interrupting Mr. Trump, as a man wearing a homemade “KKK SUPPORTS TRUMP” t-shirt makes himself noticed. Mr. Trump paces while making pouty duck lips. He rambles tentatively toward the edge of the stage near the homemade shirted man like a multi-millionaire approaching a public inner city basketball court for the first time in his life and stares silently until security approaches the man and removes him from the auditorium. The tiny slug-driven wheels that are the poor excuse for Mr. Trump’s brain are trying to come up with something blustery and braggadocious and ballsy in response, but the t-shirt contains a 100% truthful statement, and everyone knows it. This seems to have closed the door to any possibility in which Mr. Trump could have made his usual 2nd grade-quality playground bullying threats. This seems to be the reason why Mr. Trump awaits the t-shirt man's removal before vomiting simulated sentence-like structures onto the eagerly awaiting crowd of ass-picking, mouth-breathing sub-humans. Resting comfortably atop Mr. Trump’s head, the red squirrel taxidermy does not seem to take notice of the events unfolding about him. {Or, he doesn't care, being used to such asinine blatherings since being caught in Mr. Trump's devious hairspray trap in 1979.} Mr. Trump again approaches the podium…)

You see, in the good old days, the gestapo acted a lot quicker than this! A lot quicker. In the good old days, they’d rip him out of that seat so fast, murder him and then his entire family, but today everyone is politically correct. Our country is going to hell for being politically correct. Going to hell. You can't even have people executed for disagreeing with you anymore. What is that? What is that? No good. Don't like it. No. I will change that.

And no media reporting. I approve it. All of it. All. It's the only way to assure the highest quality reporting. How else you gonna do it? How else? I approve it. The journalists want to say things that are not true. I don’t like those things either. I won’t let them. I would stop them. Journalists. I hate some of these people, but I would never kill them.

I will be the best dict-president America ever had. The best. No other will come close. Not even close. I wouldn't let humanity, civil rights, education or common sense stand in the way. You can't beat me. I'm the best. Who's better? Nobody. I'm the best. The best. You know.

All Islamic radical terrorist Muslims banished. Banished. I will banish them. And place 24/7 surveillance on Mosques. There will be such surveillance you won’t even know. The rapist Mexicans will pay for a 100 foot wall around America. They can't climb it. They can't! We'll have guards. Shot on sight. On sight. They pay. The blacks - terrific people. Good people. I have black friends. I have a great relationship with the blacks. The blacks like me. They do. They do. China. I will tax China. China. China is going to be taxed. I will just tell China they are going to pay taxes. Except only not on my products they make. Mine are the finest, high quality, best. I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. Women. No abortions. None. Except - no. None. Planned Parenthood - gone. Gone. They’re terrible. I will amend the Constitution to end abortion protection, Roe vs Wade. You can amend the Constitution. They do it. It has been done.

And our military. I will strengthen the military so that it's so big and so strong and so great that nobody's going to mess with us. Nobody. I will bring back waterboarding. It's a terrific tactic. The best. Just the best. Helped so many of our military. You can’t even count how many. I will target the families of terrorists and bomb the shit out of ISIS. Bomb them. Bye-bye! I will seize their oil fields and give the profits to the military.

And I will end spending on space exploration. No more space exploration. America will fix its potholes before spending money on space. Private companies can explore space. Let them do it. I encourage them to do it. No government space spending. It's no good. Bad. The worst.

Guns. No one will have their guns taken away. It’s in the Constitution. You can’t change that. I will eliminate gun-free zones at schools. Why are they gun-free? Why? Killers can go there. Not if the teachers and the students are armed. They won’t go. Why would they go? They know they can fight back. The killers are not stupid. And I will allow guns on military bases again, too. I will do that on my first day in office. Day one.

And I will bring back the American dream. I will be a cheerleader for America and bring the country's spirit back. Take the brand of the United States and make it great again. Make America great again -- and strong again, as it has become too weak. We're going to win so much -- win after win after win -- that you're going to be begging me: 'Please, Mr. President, let us lose once or twice. We can't stand it any more.' And I'm going to say: 'No way. We're going to keep winning. We're never going to lose. We're never, ever going to lose.

Thank you. Thank you. America!

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I was going to title this, “Mein Trumpf,” but I do not want to compare Trump to Hitler. That would fall under Godwin's Law or the usage of the Reductio ad Hitlerum fallacy. I am not comparing Trump to Hitler and Nazis. I’m comparing Trump to the political philosophy of fascism - which is actually the entire GOP platform and has been for decades. And if we’re being honest, this reality show clown isn’t really fascist, he’s just having his own popularity contest and is doing it the easiest way by pandering to the stupidest hateful portion of America as opposed to working for real solutions to real problems, like Bernie, which isn’t easy.

And if you think Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are even slightly similar, you are too stupid to vote. And I sincerely doubt your ability to boil water. Stay the fuck home, and out of the kitchen, you ignorant racist xenophobic misogynist fascist.

Good day.

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Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Donald Trump (HBO)

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And now for something completely different.

One-of-Kind Wool Rug Artworks by Alexandra Kehayoglou Mimic Rolling Pastures and Mossy Textures

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