Corporate Personhood

If corporations are people, then they must have done these things…

…fallen asleep; broken an arm; eaten a corned beef sandwich; colored a Dora the Explorer coloring book; stubbed a toe; run with the bulls; sat on their brother’s head and farted; nervously awaited a test result; swam with dolphins; cracked open a cold beer on a hot afternoon; tried to hit a high note and coughed instead; played Dungeons and Dragons; watched the last episode of M*A*S*H; wet the bed; stood up to a bully; brought home a report card; forged a grade on that report card before bringing it home; popped a zit; swung from a rope and dropped into a lake; think that clowns suck; run through a red light; had their house foreclosed; shot a rifle; gotten a Lego stuck up their nose; shot a friend in the tooth with a BB gun and cracked it in half; stepped on a jellyfish; been dumped by their mate and cried; been dumped by their mate and felt oddly relieved of a burden they didn’t realize they had; thought that the best smell in the world is the woosh of plastic from a newly open toy package; become so pissed at their cell phone that they threw it against the wall; then realized what an idiot they are; cut their fingernail too short and it hurt for a week; watched a knee surgery on TV; drank so much beer that they got alcohol poisoning and curled into the fetal position on the floor under a blanket and a sunny window and didn’t move for three days then got up and ate a whole pizza, a hamburger, stale Doritos, drank four cans of Coke then lapsed into a food coma in bed for a whole ‘nother day and loved every minute of it; and have repeatedly done similar; watched ducks swimming in a pond; built a go-cart and crashed it into a tree; walked through mud so deep that it stole their shoe; flown a kite in their grandmother’s back yard; played Marco Polo in the pool; sharted; watched their friend hit his forehead on the monkeybars and when he asked how it looks, told him they could actually see his skull bone; which was quickly covered by blood; lots of blood; oh, the blood; had a 20-minute conversation with George Takei NOT about Star Trek; with a friend, stole a row of theater seats and dumped them at another friend’s house in the middle of the night and when he found them the next day, not only didn’t get mad, but built a fire pit in his back yard and placed the seats around it and it became a regular summer hangout; used a spray paint can as a blowtorch; gotten food poisoning; been embarrassed by photos of themselves from the 80’s; accidentally jammed an X-Acto knife into the meat between their thumb and index finger, but it didn’t hurt and became fascinated by the striations in the exposed muscle; been asked by a police officer, who unsuccessfully was trying very hard not to laugh, if they stole rocks from the lady across the street; played kickball in the street with all the kids on the block; known someone who died of cancer; known someone who beat the shit out of cancer; laughed at the scene in Lethal Weapon where Murtaugh has that mobile phone with the giant briefcase-sized battery pack and chord; drawn a picture; taken a photograph; had their computer crash and lose a lot of work; wondered why someone requested their friendship on Facebook; gotten a flat tire; in the rain; at night – Oooohhhh ffffffuuuuuuuuddddddgggggggeeeeee; played catch with a dog; climbed a tree; and built a fort in it; eaten an entire bag of Chips Ahoy! Chocolate chunk cookies in one sitting and didn’t regret one bit of it; until later; had sex on a beach; both kinds; remember their first computer; built a $399 Lego set; built a $3.99 Lego set; built a book case; seen Janet Jackson’s nipple ring; seen Dennis Franz’s buttocks; wished they could burn the memory of Cop Rock out of their brain; played Igor in the theater production of “Young Frankenstein;” thought that the texture of mushrooms makes them feel like they’re eating snails even though they’ve never eaten snails; sculpted the Pink Panther; licked it for $10; lost a tooth; had a tooth intentionally removed; laughed so hard they cried; laughed so hard they peed; been constipated; skipped school; smoked a cigarette; been executed; gotten lost; considered a teacher a friend; had their eighth birthday party at McDonald’s and all their friends got them Star Wars figures as gifts; fell in love; fell in hate; eaten a dandelion on a bet; been able to remember exactly where they were on December 7, 1941, November 22, 1963, January 28, 1986, April 19, 1995, September 11, 2001 or any other specific date; eaten ice cream in January, outside; thought that Rob Schneider is terribly likeable even though almost everything he does is just terrible; wondered who names colors; went to Wal*Mart in their PJ’s; asked Steve Buscemi for coffee; had their parachute not open, but bounced unharmed off the face of the Earth; experience an earthquake and think it was fun; share a needle with a junkie; put a needle on a record; searched for a needle in a haystack; surrounded their shrubs with pine needles; flown to Ireland, had their friend pick them up at the airport and drive them directly to a pub, three weeks later exit a different pub on the other side of town and get back into a car and drive back to the airport and fly home; lost a bet; won a bet; shared their feelings; broke a board with a karate chop; skinned a knee; been stung by a bee; drank English breakfast tea; TP’d a tree; won the lottery; swam in the sea; in that sea went pee; wondered from where came Swee’Pea (in a box delivered to Popeye’s door and he later adopted him and named him “Scooner Seawell Georgia Washenting Christiffer Columbia Daniel Boom”); eaten a calzone for breakfast and a bowl of cereal for dinner; gotten a black eye; turned into the skid; scared their sister on Halloween; bungee jumped; fell on their head in the middle of a cartwheel; broke a nail; chipped a tooth, punctured a lung; fractured a wrist; sprained an ankle; severed an artery; donated a kidney; spanked their monkey; tickled the bald man in the canoe; wished upon a shooting star; thought that the funniest parts of Saturday Night Live were when the cast crack themselves up and try to cover it up but can’t; read a book; thought; wondered what living in a colony on the moon would really be like; turned a pickle into a light; smelled burnt hair; left an upper-decker; was incredibly disappointed by a series finale; tripped up the stairs; tripped on a sidewalk and looked around to see if anyone saw; laughed so hard that they farted then laughed harder; had the flu; had chicken pox; the measles; a migraine; a seven-course meal; had friends over for dinner; been involved in a secret pagan ritual; written a screenplay; lied about how old they are; both younger and older depending on how old and young they were at the time; gone spelunking; caught a fish and threw it back; fought for the civil right to marry their same-sex partner; got a bloody nose; set the clock on a microwave oven; put cinnamon on their oatmeal; lost their virginity; been speared through the heart by a stingray; played foosball; been rejected by their first choice college but accepted at their second choice; sharpened a pencil; bought an apple; stole candy from a plexi-glass box; peed in the shower; dangled yarn in front of a kitten; played a game of pool; winterized their pool; watched mercury pool; stood in the pool of light from a street lamp; had a dream they were flying; kept a journal; read their journal then burned it because they never wanted to re-live those horrible memories again; went downstairs to get something but couldn’t remember what; gone water skiing; remembered falling asleep during Star Trek The Motion Picture in the theater when they were seven and never seeing the rest until 27 years later then regretting that time wasted seeing it; completed a sudoku; in pen; had a road system in the back yard for their metal Tonka trucks; eaten a 72 oz steak with all sides at the Big Texan; driven Route 66; been to a baseball game; unwillingly worn a Christmas sweater in a family photo; remember the best cup of coffee they ever had; hope George Lucas never makes Episodes 1, 2 and 3 because they could never possibly be good; remember seeing Slim Goodbody when he came to their school; thought things were bigger after returning to a place from their childhood; made a friend; got rid of someone who turned out not to be a friend; stepped in gum; gotten a splinter; always wanted to get a Charlie Brown Christmas tree because it would be cool but never got around to it and now that they make them and are for sale at mass market, they think it’s stupid; tried to figure out why Gone With The Wind was popular since its main character is just a selfish spoiled bitch with no redeeming qualities other than being incredibly gorgeous; built a rock wall; made a mix tape; made the best chili ever; bought the complete Six Million Dollar Man series from TimeLife; stopped and smelled the flowers; stopped, dropped and rolled; stopped, looked and listened; stopped in the name of love; stopped up the toilet; connected four; bought a round; fired a round; played a round; played around; used Silly Putty on a comic strip; watched cartoons after school; watched Saturday morning cartoons; is good at animation, but not the computer kind; went skinny-dipping; read while eating; read while pooping; read before bed; read between the lines; talk to their self; argue with their self; regret things they have done and haven’t done; built a model kit with their father; always manage to get the cart with the jacked-up wheel; donated to the fire department; started receiving AARP letters when they turned 30; broke their tail bone; jogged in Central Park; gotten the Superman symbol as a tattoo; took the train to Boston; took the midnight train going anywhere; stayed in a log cabin in Maine; received a donation solicitation in the mail that contained 100 return address labels; collected National Geographic magazines; skipped rocks; threw a Chinese star into their bedroom wall; bought toys in Kay Bee Toy and Hobby for years and years before Bain Capital made $180 million when they pumped and dumped it and it went bankrupt and put thousands out of work; drove across the country; seen the Grand Canyon; grew a beard; shaved off a beard; enjoy peanut butter and banana sandwiches with honey; surprised their mother with flowers; cracked a walnut in their hands; fainted after throwing up on the Prime Minister of Japan; choked on a pretzel; shot their 78-year-old quail hunting buddy in the face; had a mentally disorienting brain disease while running the most powerful country in the world; fell out of the top bunk; questioned authority; watched a sun set; won a spelling bee; been given odd gifts from their grandparents; baked a cake; told a secret; spit in a cup all day to make weight for a wrestling match; wondered why the brilliant Stephen King writes absolutely terrible endings to all his horror stories; hailed a cab; been robbed at knifepoint in the city; eat an everything bagel; take an afternoon nap; avoid an ex in the grocery store; paint a fence; sand a deck; bounce a rent check; blow up green army men with Black Cats; spit into the wind; enjoy a sundae on a Tuesday; built a sand castle; jumped in a puddle on purpose; drew on a drunk, passed out friend’s face; changed the oil in their car; slid on the ice; watched their children go off to college and got empty nest syndrome; tried to save a baby mouse after their cat brought it to them as a present; held a movie marathon day with Star Wars, James Bond, Lord of the Rings, Mad Max, Dollars Trilogy, Fred & Ginger, Bogie, Judy Garland or the Marx Brothers; do something where ‘profit margin’ does not even remotely enter the equation and have held compassion and empathy toward another living being.

No?

Well, then I guess a corporation is not a person at all, is it?

Good day.