Sunday, January 15, 2012

Are You There, Ralph? It's Me, Tim.

I wrote this supplementary to my previous Tim Tebow post (“Ralph Is Not A Vengeful God” – January 4, 2012) because Jesus himself directly told me to. And you can’t say otherwise – you just have to have faith that I’m telling you the truth.

Thousands upon thousands of women and 3-year-old girls are raped, tortured and murdered for pleasure by militia rebels in the Congo. Women in the Middle East are put to death or have their faces disfigured as punishment for letting themselves get raped or ask for a divorce. AIDS is still destroying people all over the world. Malaria still exists. Famine and poverty have a tight grip on many countries. Economies across the globe are collapsing. SIDS. Ebola. Earthquakes. Hurricanes. Fires. Somali pirates. Serial killers. Terrorism. War.  


Because apparently God is too preoccupied playing football in Denver for a quarterback that sucks so bad that he can’t do it himself.


Well, apparently God didn’t show up for last night’s game against the Patriots. I wonder if people will start Bradying?

Tim Tebow likes to say that if his mother had had that abortion, he wouldn’t be around to have become a successful football player. So no one should get abortions. At least, I saw that story in a self-righteous Super Bowl commercial starring Tebow and his mom a few years ago.

I have late, breaking news for arrogant, unaborted Timmy who thinks he was chosen by God to play football: as of October 31, 2011, there had been 6 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand, 999 more people on Earth who were also not aborted aside from himself. Of the 7 billion people currently sucking oxygen, what is the probability that they will all become successful football players? A statistical relative zero. 

However, it is also possible to come up with an average of how many people in the world not aborted are living in poverty and are mal-nourished: approximately 1 billion. One out of every seven people on the planet. Fourteen percent of Mother Earth’s human inhabitants. That’s the equivalent of over three U.S.A’s living in poverty. 300% of the population of America the beautiful. But what about the football scores? 

And the latest world average of people who were not aborted but are victims of homicide is 700,000 per year. No football success for them. 

In 2011, over 550,000 people who were not aborted died of cancer. It’s Miller time, right Jesus? 

This 18-year-old Afghan woman had her ears and nose cut off as punishment for fleeing the home of her abusive in-laws. 

But at least God is helping Tim Tebow - and his teammates and team owners and related paraphernalia dealers - make millions and millions and millions of dollars playing catch for entertainment.

If there is a god, and these are his priorities, then I believe that falls under the ‘fucked up’ category.

But hey, Sunday is God’s day of rest (or it’s Saturday – depends on how you interpret the Bible.). And what better to do than kick back, crack open a few heavenly chilled brewskis and watch the game.

After all, murder, famine and rape will still be there on Monday.

He can deal with it then.

No hurry.

Good day.

Jimmy Fallon - Tebowie

Jimmy Fallon as Tebowie

God does not give a floating fuck about a sporting/acting/singing/dancing/beauty contest.

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