Monday, December 16, 2013

Happy Whateverthefuck 2013 Edition

Welcome to my 3rd Annual “Happy Whateverthefuck” post. FOX “News” and other right-wing mouthpieces like to, for some reason that I can’t wholly figure out, pretend that the religion celebrated by over 80% of Americans is under attack and desperately needs help. Because 12 aisles in Target devoted to Christmas between Halloween and New Year’s as well as the entire store decorated in Santas and reindeer is no match for the single endcap that’s shared by Kwanzaa and Chanukah.

What about the 30-or-so other winter festivals also celebrated this time of year? Most of them are older than Christmas. Can you name even one?

I guess if agitating your base gets your ratings up and increases your multi-million dollar $alary, any bullshit is fair game.

Ho Ho Ho…

Jon Stewart

And so it begins. This “YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS CARD” bullshit showed up on Facebook on November 2nd. Yes, that’s TWO DAYS after Halloween. It’s in the style of “A Visit From St. Nicholas.” I will address each line of bullshit as it comes.


Cleverly done!!!
[If you think complete bullshit is clever, I can’t argue against your point.]

Twas two months before Christmas
When all through our land,

Not a Christian was praying
[Not a Christian was praying? If they don’t want to, no one’s gonna force them to.]
Nor taking a stand.
[Christians never take a stand? This bullshit poem and the rest of the “War on Christmas” charade being shoved up America’s ass for one month every year seems to be proof-a-plenty about Christians taking a stand. Problem is, they’re taking a stand against something that is literally pointless. But Bill O’Reilly does get his ratings up.]

Why the PC Police had taken away
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
[Where is an instance of this ever happening? Are you suggesting that no Christians haul their materialistic asses out on Black Friday and murder the shit out of people to buy a 20” flatscreen TV (which will be even cheaper at one of the dozen sales that happen all year long)? They only sit home alone and give thanks for the birth of Christ (who is not at all the reason for the season, but I’ll get to that later)?]

The children were told by their schools not to sing
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
[No, they weren’t. In fact, Texas just passed a law that protects Christmas in schools – from an attack that wasn’t happening – because small government Conservatives who totally understand the Constitution. Also, THIS bullshit lie is refuted by the fact that the ACLU never sued them. Turns out the school’s band director just claimed the ACLU sued them to stop the students from singing Christmas carols, then went on every FOX “News” program that would have him and continually lied about it. When the ACLU said they never heard of this lawsuit, the band director said they didn’t actually sue the school – the band director decided to ban them all on his own because he heard some speech someone at the ACLU said almost two years prior and never had anything to do with the school. For some reason, I can only find the right-wing version of this story online. Of course, now that the bullshit was exposed and the school is again allowed by their band director to sing the Christmas carols that he alone banned, some right-wing group, called ‘America Freedom Liberty America Constitution Freedom Guns’ or something close to that, is taking credit for setting the school straight on their Constitutional freedom to sing Christmas carols at school. Which were never under any threat in the first place. For fuck’s sake.]

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.
[The fact that Christmas can’t be the only holiday celebrated in December since there are at least 30 others, shouldn’t be mistaken for oppression. Sharing is caring. Fartknockers.]

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
[As were Christians. Let’s not pretend otherwise, holy rollers.]

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-Pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
[Yeah, Madonna is out of vogue these days. She hasn’t released an album in a while.]

[See what I did there? Vogue. Get it? Vogue? C’mon, vogue! Oh, never mind.]

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
[What about Chanukah? You forgot to also pretend retailers promote Chanukah, too.]
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
[What books? If you’re going to invent shit, at least have it based in some sort of reality. Even the band director banned singing Christmas carols before he claimed Christmas carols were banned.]

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
[Ah. ‘Down’ and ‘found’ rhyme. Both Target and Lowes had Christmas shit up since the day after Halloween, but at least you rhymed.]

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
[Again, the rhyming is more important than the fact that ALL these stores had Christmas shit up since the day after Halloween. Cognitive whatsonance?]

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
[Once again, Christmas is not the only holiday in December. It’s not that other people are forcing their festivals on Christians, it’s that Christians, try as they might, are unable to deny other festivals from occurring. The only acts of oppression regarding this holiday season are coming from Christians. Why would a Jew celebrating Chanukah or a black person celebrating Kwanzaa or a Roman celebrating Saturnalia be seen as “intimidation?”]

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
[Ooh! You named liberal politicians and newspeople! None of which work for FOX “News!” Squeee! This IS clever!]

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
[Name one policy, please. Just one. That’s all I ask.]

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
[Yes. They took away your faith. Because that’s something that can be done. HEY! YOU, OVER THERE! I SEE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR FAITH. HAND IT OVER OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.]
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
[I always think of the movie “Forbidden Planet” when I see the word ‘forbidden.’ Can't help it.]

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
[This is getting too ridiculous to even comment on anymore. Yes. Does anyone remember what Christmas was all about? It’s been so long since the Liberal agenda stopped it from being celebrated. It had a good three or four year run, though, a few centuries ago.]

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
[All those left-wing terms. In one place! ‘Guns’ Hunting’ ‘Corporate tax cuts’ Whew! I feel better now.]

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
not Happy Holiday!
[Fucking Bing Crosby! May YOUR every wish come true! Communist!]

Please, all Christians join together and
wish everyone you meet

[THAT’LL teach those damn Christmas-destroying motherfuckers. Die, Liberal PC sonsa bitches! We’ll get the Christmas spirit back if we have to murder every one of you piece of shit heathens! DIE! DIE! DIE! And MERRY CHRISTMAS!]


[These are the replies to that post. Before my running commentary, of course.]


With all respect to my old and valued friend, this, again, is just a ring-winger truism they keep repeating in hopes of raising outrage they can manipulate to political ends. They're the same people who talk about a so-called "war on Christmas" when even in heathen New York City there are churches every other block, blessings of animals, and enough Christmas decorations on Sixth Avenue for a dozen TV Christmas specials and Christmas TV-movies. No one, I mean no one, is going to correct you in your home, your neighborhood, your community if you wish them a Merry Christmas unless you're going out of your way to deliberately rub a Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Shinto, pagan or atheist's nose in it -- and that's not a matter of "Christmas" but a matter of common sense and civility.

The Brain Frees
Well said, Frank. I would like to add that this poem is the diametric opposite of reality. Stores display 99% Christmas stuff and only 2 of the other 30+ festivals also celebrated between October and January all get crammed onto one endcap - Chanukah and Kwanzaa.

And let's not forget that Christmas is the ONLY government-sanctioned religious holiday. The only reason Easter isn't is because it falls on a Sunday.

When I say, "Happy holidays," I'm not trying to stick it to Christians, I'm respecting everyone.

Religious freedom doesn't mean Christians get to force their beliefs upon everyone. And just because not everyone believes Christianity, that doesn't mean Christians are being oppressed or persecuted.

And seriously, the religious majority (by far) pretending to be persecuted is quite humorous.

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If you say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” you are a godless liberal elitist waging a war on poor little old fragile Christian Christmas. Right, FOX “News”?

Right, FOX “News”?

RIGHT, FOX “News”?


You're calling your viewers 'stupid' right to their faces. Aren't you, FOX "News"?

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Jesus is not and never was the reason for the season. About 300 years after the alleged Jesus (who was probably not a single person, but an amalgam of several) walked the Earth, a whole bunch of pagan festivals and rituals were stolen and claimed as Christian in order to make it easier to convince people to convert to Christianity. If the calendar is based on Jesus’ birth, then why does his birthday fall 11 months and 25 days later? According to the Bible, the J-Man was born sometime in the Spring/early Summer. Even the story of the virgin birth of Christ appears in several dozen religions that preceded Christianity by hundreds and thousands of years. As well as half the other stories in the Bible.

So, fucking relax, Christians. When someone wishes you happiness at this time of year by saying “happy holidays” and you respond with, “FUCK YOU DIE IT’S MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!” – it’s you who are the asshole completely missing the point of the (stolen) religion you allegedly follow.

Take solace in the fact that Christmas is the only government-sanctioned religious holiday – which is unconstitutional. The only reason Easter isn’t is because it always falls on a Sunday, and you can’t have a paid holiday on a day that the unions fought for to be a day of rest.

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One from the “See? It’s not just me.” category:




The Young Turks: War on Christmas Update From Bill O'Reilly on Fox News

GRITtv: John Fugelsang: Happy Holidays to War on Christmas


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From the “What the fuck nutty nut-job whacko dementia-sufferer??” category:

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Jon Stewart Demolishes Megyn Kelly and Fox Freaking Out Over Santa's Race and the War on Christmas

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Jimmy Kimmel: Fox News Presents: It's a Wonderful Life

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From the “Useless Asshole ‘Small Government’ Right-Wingers Once Again Pretending To Be Fiscally Responsible and Pretending to Hate Government Regulation While Wasting Taxpayer Money Passing Laws For Literally No Fucking Reason Because They are Fucking Stupid, Petty and Did I Mention Stupid?” files:

Health care? Education? Jobs? Homeless? Minimum wage? Civil rights? Environment? Corruption? Infrastructure? Gun safety? Corporate tax loop-holes? Death penalty? Social security? Banks?


Merry Christmas.

Whew. All (not-a-problem) problems solved.

Please just secede already, Texas.

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From the “Unctuous, Self-Centered, Hypocritical, Paste-Eaters” files:

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And now, some calm, reasonable logic from astrophysicist-at-large, NDT:

So, Happy Holidays, you under-informed fuckheads. (Hey, I never claimed to be calm.)

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From someone else’s page. See, it’s not just me.

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“Bill O’Reilly has this fantasy that Christians are being persecuted,” Muscato said, when in fact, “Bill O’Reilly is the epitome of a privileged person; a straight, white, cisgender American. The reason that he’s obsessed with this ‘War on Christmas’ is because he knows there’s nothing he’s really being oppressed by.”

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Ho. Ho. Ho.
Ha. Ha Ha.

David Pakman: Sarah Palin 'War on Christmas' Book Flops

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Never Forget.

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Now, if only Occupy Wall Street would quit complaining and actually elect leaders to office like the Teabaggers do instead of standing around snapping their fingers in leaderless disagreement or whatever. Ideas need leaders to implement them. (Tangent)

Not just atheists – the uncountable amount of other religions, as well.

All I’m saying is, quit fucking looking for problems that don’t goddamn exist and enjoy the motherfucking festivities, assholes.

Happy Whateverthefuck!

Fuck all you petty and insecure “War on Christmas” fuckers. No one is stopping you from celebrating Christmas. No one has ever said you can’t celebrate Christmas. Ever. Millions of non-Christians even celebrate Christmas. Christ is not the reason for the season. Happiness, health, family and friendship are the reasons for the season. And presents. Glorious consumerism.

I’ve written about the “War on Christmas” for four years now, and have never been quite able to express my true sentiments about what I think this time of year is sincerely about and the feelings it inspires. I’ve realized it’s because it cannot be expressed in words. It takes the kinetic energy of the animal kingdom to truly express this emotion.

♥♥ Happiest Penguin Ever ♥♥

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Christmas Caroling w/ Amy Poehler & Billy Eichner in NYC - Billy on the Street


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